The way I judge when it's time for me to take a shower is by how badly I need to pee.
—the golden Michael Ian Black
Just want to take a moment to thank everybody who has ever put their mouth on my penis.
—the grateful Michael Ian Black
Can somebody please explain the origin of the Thanksgiving tradition where you open mouth kiss your stepdad before sitting down to eat?
—Michael Ian Black, speaking with his mouth full
—the finger-able Michael Ian Black
IDEA: self-driving cars that ALSO give hand jobs.
—the hands-free shooter Michael Ian Black