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A Dick Can't Suck Itself

 tags: Cocks, Here's What It Looks Like, Oral Sex

A dick can't suck itself.  I know it sounds obvious, but if it is so obvious then why do too many men continue to suffer from a lack of oral sex?  The statistics on how many men are not getting their dicks sucked at this very moment are nothing short of scandalous.  Change cannot come without awareness.  Ask yourself either: Am I enjoying a blowjob right now? or Am I giving a man a blowjob right now?  If the answer is "no," there's no point in thinking about it further -- only action can make a difference.  Know this: there are dicks and cocksuckers a-plenty.  Every dick needs to get sucked, and every cocksucker needs a good mouth-fucking.  Be guided by this simple truism: a dick can't suck itself.  Then start making a difference.

How and Why Shoving a Banana Up Your Ass Makes You a Magician

 tags: Here's What It Looks Like

For centuries, magicians have pulled eggs out of their mouths, and while it's a silly gag on the surface, there's some profound symbolism that has made the trick a classic.  When a magician pulls an egg from his mouth, he transforms his mouth into a vagina (or cunt, as some prefer to call it).  Eggs are, of course, part of the female reproductive process.  The unspoken meaning to the trick is that if a magician can transcend gender, he can transcend anything (i.e. be all-powerful).  So if you shove a banana up your butt (or bunghole, as some prefer to call it), you are performing a magic trick, too.  You are transforming your anus into a mouth, and that's pretty damned impressive.  And so we say: keep the magic alive and continue shoving food up your ass.

Just How Gay Can a Non-Porno Get?

 tags: Hairy Men, Here's What It Looks Like, Red Hot Gray Areas

The over-the-top homoeroticism in the classic comedy Sailor Beware verges on unbelievable. Before we get to the multiple hairy-chest rubs, consider:

In the opening moments of the film, the very first appearance of Jerry Lewis has him spraying the back of his throat repeatedly, next to a poster that says "The NAVY builds MEN":

Jerry's character is allergic to women, you see. He explains:" I can't even get close to a girl -- I'm allergic to face powder, perfume and lipstick. If I get too close to a girl, my uvula becomes edematous, which means inflamed, and if it becomes inflamed it swells up and I can't breathe. And if I can't breathe, that could become fatal." And since he can't kiss girls for his very life, he propositions Dean Martin in the first scene: "You want I should change places with her?"

Jerry's gay adventures in the Navy find him on all fours before two officers with billy clubs, one club pointing at his ass and the other at his mouth:

And he manages to get himself chained to a torpedo (gee, I wonder what all this phallic symbolism is supposed to mean?)

During an extended section of the film in which lots of hairy-chested men are shirtless (justified by new recruits' medical exams), Jerry is poked and penetrated by ever-larger needles (and forgive us for interpreting this as symbolic of getting fucked by ever-larger cocks):

In case we missed the penetration symbolism of the needles, a soldier enters with a giant drill; Jerry passes out, and the soldier exclaims, "I never touched him." Yes, Jerry is getting repeatedly drilled by enormous tools in the Navy.

One doctor spends so much time on Jerry's chest that Jerry asks, "Lose something?"

There's a famous euphemism that Mae West used: "Come up and see me sometime." It meant, of course, "My bedroom is open to you, so let's fuck whenever you want." Jerry says, "Come up and see us sometime" to an officer:

Oh yeah, those hairy chest rubs. One doctor ditches his stethoscope to check Jerry's heartbeat by hand, but this is merely the beginning:

We counted no fewer than 17 (seventeen) circular rubs of Jerry's chest hair in this boxing scene:

And those rubs follow an earlier tit massage:

In addition to dry chest rubs, there are wet ones:

We didn't even ask why Jerry rests his head against his boxing opponent's penis:

Romantic moments like these speak for themselves:

Did we forget Jerry grasping a periscope and opening wide?

Jerry's superior officer hates him, but there are gay subtexts about him, too. Here he explains that the chief of the recruiting station and he are "as close as that":

The officer tries to keep Jerry from being enlisted, but the clerks assume Jerry is the officer's toy boy: "The weird one's a friend of the chief," says one clerk to the other, who responds, "Wouldn't you know."

They're not so wrong, because Jerry did spray the officer's chest:

One more chest rub:

And let's leave with Jerry as he flees for his life from every woman in the world:

His Penis, The Rose

 tags: Here's What It Looks Like, Tattoos

A man is a rose tree; his penis, the rose.

The Best Part of My Day

 tags: Here's What It Looks Like, Humor, Michael Ian Black

Already know the best part of my day is going to be putting on a brand new pair of underwear.
—the fresh smelling Michael Ian Black