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My Favorite Euphemism for Constant Masturbation

 tags: Here's What It Looks Like, Humor, Ways to Jack Off

My favorite euphemism for constant masturbation is "working from home."
—the hard working Dan Guterman

Followers vs. Swallowers

 tags: Ejaculation, Here's What It Looks Like, Humor, Rob Huebel

"I don't care about followers. I just care 'bout swallowers."
—the rappin' Rob Huebel

Three-Day-Old Scruff

 tags: Hairy Men, Here's What It Looks Like, Humor, Michael Ian Black

Sometimes I think three day old scruff on guys is just an affectation and not the result of living in the woods or being a Merchant Marine.
—the unaffected Michael Ian Black 

Here's the scruff of living in the woods:

Here's the scruff of the Merchant Marines:

And here's scruff as an affectation:

The Best Song About Furious Masturbation

 tags: Music Lovers

The best song about furious masturbation has to be Cabaret Voltaire's "I Want You." Let's look more closely at the lyrics (bolded below) to decode the deeper meanings about frenzied masculine sexuality all night long.

The song begins with a soundbyte, presumably of a preacher speaking to a congregation:

I want you to bow your head

This is a crucial opening, as it suggests that the jerking off throughout the entire song is a sacred act and not sinful as some religions teach.

Freak yourself: shake it, shake it

There are several interesting meanings of "freak." The word implies wild, extreme emotion (as in "freaking out"), an addiction (as in "cocaine freak"), an enthusiastic obsession (as in "fitness freak"), a strange person (as in "freak of nature" or homosexual), and a synonym for "fuck." In this song, "freak" means all of these things simultaneously. The "shake it, shake it" chorus throughout the song is, of course, the rhythm of jerking off.

Close the door: shake it, shake it

Why should a man close the door while he's masturbating? Because his sexuality is his own business. Solo pleasure is a private affair.

What to do: shake it, shake it
Just hit the floor: shake it, shake it

The only thing to do is to stroke that dick. Hitting the floor with one's jizz recalls the American legend of Johnny Appleseed, who scattered his seed across the nation. "Just hit the floor" is a way of saying, "Fuck the earth," not in a negative way, but to foster new creativity. The song is saying to let your masculine essence fly as it will. If it hits the floor, so be it. From a religious standpoint, a man's sperm hitting the floor is a direct reference to Onanism in the book of Genesis.

What they told you is not to be
But what you want comes naturally

"What they told you" likely refers to masturbation and/or homosexuality being bad. Because what you want comes naturally, masturbation and/or homosexuality can't be wrong because it exists in and is caused by nature.

Black them out, kill the lights
Hands are moving through the night

Gay men have historically been nighthawks. Mansex in the dark isn't about individual attractions but rather about mankind rejoicing in itself.

Make some time here, fingers free,
Keep your hands on your chemistry

Here the song is suggesting that if your hands are free, you ought to be fondling your dick. Keeping your hands on your "chemistry" means being coated in your sticky DNA. The lyric is saying that a man's fingers should be covered in sperm at all times.

And we concur!

A Lot of Mailmen Will Refuse This

 tags: Humor, Rob Huebel

A lot of mailmen will refuse the offer when you invite them inside to watch online pornography, but they appreciate your friendship.
—the inviting Rob Huebel