State troopers who guard football coaches just wanna fuck football coaches.
—the insightful Rob Huebel
Can somebody please explain the origin of the Thanksgiving tradition where you open mouth kiss your stepdad before sitting down to eat?
—Michael Ian Black, speaking with his mouth full
Those who live in glass houses should know we're watching them masturbate. No need to get the police involved.
Some nights, if you're strolling through the woods, and you keep real still, you can hear me engaging in covert homosexual behavior.
—the finger-able Michael Ian Black