tags: Red Hot Gray Areas
We can boost our celebrity gaydar by carefully examining the words that a celebrity says in interviews. Very, very often a celebrity will "out" his homosexuality unintentionally. Certain phrasings and certain word choices can unmask an otherwise closeted gaiety. Here's an example. We'll look at some personal quotes from 6'3" baritone-voiced Hollywood hunk Josh Harnett. Though we can't say for certain that Josh is gay (nor is it any of our business what he does with his penis in private), what we can say is that the things Josh says in personal interviews don't sound heterosexual. See if you agree as we analyze several of Josh's statements collected on his imdb.com record:
When asked about his perfect partner, Josh said:
I'm looking forward to finding someone in life that I can be truly happy with and relate to on all levels - someone I can bounce my stuff off. Right now, though, I'm not searching for that. But I still like knowing it will be out there sometime later.
Analysis: note the gender neutral pronoun "someone" as opposed to "a woman." Why be gender neutral unless you are avoiding mentioning a particular gender so that nobody thinks you're referring to a man? The phrase "truly happy" is a synonym for "gay." "Relate to on all levels" includes all physical levels, and gays relate to each on all physical levels as we share the same sex organs. "Someone I can bounce my stuff off" sounds like a jack-off buddy, with "stuff" referring to semen. "I still like knowing it will be out there sometime" includes another gender neutral pronoun, and in this instance the pronoun sounds especially awkward. Why call a partner an "it" instead of a she?
When asked about being a member of Hollywood, Josh said:
I love to reach out and slot myself into the Hollywood system and do my thing, but I don't ever want to be a fully-fledged member, someone who is a stable element. I don't want to be a pillar - I want to be a guy on the outside hitting it with a hammer.
Analysis: This statement is rich with sexual innuendo. "Slot myself" suggests "slut myself." "Do my thing" is a euphemism for the sex act culminating in ejaculation. But he specifies that he doesn't want to be a "fully-fledged member" or "a pillar." Both of these Freudian euphemisms suggest the erect penis, perhaps suggesting that he doesn't wish to be a hard-throbbing top so much as a bottom man. Or perhaps he prefers sex toys: "I want to be a guy on the outside hitting it with a hammer." Again we see the unusual gender neutral pronoun "it."
When asked about finding love, Josh said:
Hope is the most exciting thing in life, and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will.
Analysis: "Even if it doesn't come straight away" suggests gaiety because the opposite of coming/cumming straight is coming/cumming gay.
When asked about personal integrity, Josh said:
Be honest with yourself and lie to everyone else.
Analysis: This statement sounds like the motto of a closeted man. It is a confession to lying about one's personal life to the media.
When asked about life in Los Angeles, Josh said:
I didn't want to get sucked up in the madness. Flitting around from club to club and girl to girl is no way to live.
Analysis: The words "get sucked" jumped out, didn't they? He says that it's no way to live by flitting around from girl to girl. The logical opposite of his statement is: "Flitting around from club to club and boy to boy is the way to live."
Finally, when asked about working with actresses, Josh said:
It's hard for me to work closely with a girl and not completely fall in love with her as a person.
Analysis: Do you see the subtleties here that keep this from being a heterosexual statement? "Not completely fall in love" is phrased negatively. He's saying that he does not completely fall in love with actresses he works closely with. To "fall in love with her as a person" is very revealing wording. "As a person" distinguishes itself from "as a sex object." He is saying that if he feels affection for a woman, it is for her personality and not for her body.
Again, to be perfectly clear, we do not know (or even care) whether Josh Harnett is gay or straight. All we can say with certainty is that the sentences that imdb.com quote him as saying are ambiguous in ways that don't make sense for someone leading a "normal" heterosexual lifestyle. The phrasing consistently veers away from making heterosexual statements. To someone with a gay sensibility, Josh's statements sound very, very gay. Whatever Josh does with his penis, good for him, and three cheers for the lucky individual on the other end of that equipment. We sure wouldn't mind having this deep-voiced tall stud on our team, but as long as he's happy, we're happy. :-)
Mostly I just want to love and be loved. But not in a sexual way, at least as "you people" define sexual.
—the lovably "sexual" Michael Ian Black
Tell someone you have a groin injury and watch how little sympathy you get.
—Rob Huebel, who is looking for sympathy in all the wrong places
Yesterday I stacked a bunch of firewood, if anybody needs an image to get them horny.
—the evergreen Michael Ian Black
Turns out people don't like it when you write 'Juicy' on their butt with a sharpie.
—who else but Rob Huebel