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"In the (Storage) Closet"

 tags: Here's What It Looks Like, Pics of the Day
 12 Sep 2016

The euphemism for homosexuality, "in the closet," typically conjures images of a clothes closet (presuming that gay men have good taste in clothes and, if they had to go into hiding, would want to be surrounded by fashionable fabrics). But apparently even storage closets are gay, gay, gay. For proof, check out the labels on the boxes in Cody Springs' closet! (Photos by Badpuppy)

Cody Springs by Badpuppy
Cody Springs by Badpuppy
Cody Springs by Badpuppy
Cody Springs by Badpuppy
Cody Springs by Badpuppy
Cody Springs by Badpuppy

A Memory Palace Gone to Seed

 tags: Ejaculation
 9 Sep 2016

For years, my obsessive collection of sperm terms existed not on paper but in my head, contained within what I call a Memory Whorehouse. A Memory Whorehouse is my twist on an age-old mnemonic technique known as a Memory Palace. You start with an actual place you know like the back of your hand—your own house, a favorite museum, or anywhere equally familiar. In your imagination, you transform the place into a massage parlor, brothel, sex club, or red light district. Then you fill your mental den of iniquity with vividly explicit images (sex acts) and horny characters to symbolize the information you wish not to forget. The more extraordinary your imagery, the more memorable. As you visualize wandering through the hallways and rooms of your Memory Whorehouse, each figure will remind you of what you wish to recall. If you need to remember items in a particular order, you place them along a familiar path through your Whorehouse and then mentally walk the place, step by step.

As a lifelong word lover, I've always noted with great interest new sperm terms that popped up in erotic literature. Long before I'd accumulated enough terms for an entire dictionary, I took pleasure in collecting them, like some fetishistic bathhouse janitor gathering used condoms. I'll confess that the sperm terms formed an erotic litany for me—an invocation of all mankind's ejaculatory excess. My mental challenge was to keep all that DNA in alphabetical order. And so I filled my Memory Whorehouse with permanent residents. Let's randomly peek into some of the rooms.

In one hallway is a love train of sorts—a line of men chain-fucking and wildly hooting like a steam whistle. The man at the head of the line ejaculates for someone in a Woody Woodpecker costume. The sperm term? Pecker tracks. The costumed figure suggests pecker, while the love train provides the tracks. For my dictionary's example of usage, I cite John Waters' Trash Trio: "Get up, stupid. I hope you didn't leave any pecker tracks on my gown."

A picture on one of the Memory Whorehouse walls depicts a western Canadian cattle farm whose homestead is tricked out in a brightly colored muumuu. The sperm term? Ranch dressing. For the example of usage, I cite the animated series Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World: "I hear you've got some ranch dressing in your honey well."

Through the keyhole of one bedroom I see a Punch and Judy show. Punch is wearing nothing but an immodest Elizabethan-style codpiece even bigger than his nose. Judy is giving him a royal walloping with a stick. The sperm term? It's a British expression: Codswallop. For the example of usage, I cite Janet Price's Feminist Theory and the Body: "A load of old codswallop, obviously."

Behind some velvety pink curtains is a rather grotesque scene featuring the bassist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Flea. Dozens of vampiric Flea clones are crouching on the floor, their mouths dripping with blood. The sperm term? Womb-squatting parasites. My citation is courtesy of comedian Russell Brand: "Get shot of those womb squatting parasites and celebrate your beauty."

Once my Memory Whorehouse was fully booked, it occurred to me that I had enough material for a full book! Today, I store my ever-growing collection of sperm terms on my computer. But it's never too late to add a wing to my mental bordello!

Like an Acrobat

 tags: Oral Sex, Out of Context, Pics of the Day
 6 Sep 2016

"After the rest hour was over everybody came back to life like an acrobat.”
—D.C. Fisher

Tyler Reed & Brett Rawdick by Breed Me Raw
Tyler Reed & Brett Rawdick (Breed Me Raw)

Cum Rags

 tags: Ejaculation
 3 Sep 2016

If you wipe up your sticky mess and toss the cum rag aside, consider trying this the next time you jack off: keep your cum rag near you after you sop up your sauce. I'll note several reasons why:

1. A used cum rag is an aromatherapy horniness-booster during a j/o session. Try sniffing your used cum rag before blowing a fresh load and see if it makes your orgasm more intense.

2. A used cum rag next to your pillow will be handy if you wake up from a sex dream and want to finish off.

3. If you jack off in bed before going to sleep, keeping your cum rag in bed with you will help you to smell man-scent all night—the pheromones will keep you horny and will encourage orgasms in your sleep (wet dreams).

4. It's more environmentally friendly to use a single cum rag several times than to throw away sperm-soaked tissues.

Some guys keep their cum rags with them not only in bed but on their person as they go through their daily life. Why? According to tribal lore, a man's cum is a physical manifestation of his spirit. So carrying a sample of your sperm with you at all times is like a good luck charm for potency. Plus, having your cum on your person will subtly add to the scent of your masculine musk. And you're free to jack off at a moment's notice, as your sexual needs dictate, with no fear of leaving a conspicuous stain.

Clasped Hands

 tags: Anal Sex, Out of Context, Pics of the Day
 31 Aug 2016

"The two men clasped their hands and pumped their limbs feverishly."
—Garth H. Holmes, The J Amendment

Maxime Fuuq & Thomas Steel by Bareback That Hole
Maxime Fuuq & Thomas Steel (Bareback That Hole)