The euphemism for homosexuality, "in the closet," typically conjures images of a clothes closet (presuming that gay men have good taste in clothes and, if they had to go into hiding, would want to be surrounded by fashionable fabrics). But apparently even storage closets are gay, gay, gay. For proof, check out the labels on the boxes in Cody Springs' closet! (Photos by Badpuppy)
As a lifelong word lover, I've always noted with great interest new sperm terms that popped up in erotic literature. Long before I'd accumulated enough terms for an entire dictionary, I took pleasure in collecting them, like some fetishistic bathhouse janitor gathering used condoms. I'll confess that the sperm terms formed an erotic litany for me—an invocation of all mankind's ejaculatory excess. My mental challenge was to keep all that DNA in alphabetical order. And so I filled my Memory Whorehouse with permanent residents. Let's randomly peek into some of the rooms.
In one hallway is a love train of sorts—a line of men chain-fucking and wildly hooting like a steam whistle. The man at the head of the line ejaculates for someone in a Woody Woodpecker costume. The sperm term? Pecker tracks. The costumed figure suggests pecker, while the love train provides the tracks. For my dictionary's example of usage, I cite John Waters' Trash Trio: "Get up, stupid. I hope you didn't leave any pecker tracks on my gown."
A picture on one of the Memory Whorehouse walls depicts a western Canadian cattle farm whose homestead is tricked out in a brightly colored muumuu. The sperm term? Ranch dressing. For the example of usage, I cite the animated series Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World: "I hear you've got some ranch dressing in your honey well."
Through the keyhole of one bedroom I see a Punch and Judy show. Punch is wearing nothing but an immodest Elizabethan-style codpiece even bigger than his nose. Judy is giving him a royal walloping with a stick. The sperm term? It's a British expression: Codswallop. For the example of usage, I cite Janet Price's Feminist Theory and the Body: "A load of old codswallop, obviously."
Behind some velvety pink curtains is a rather grotesque scene featuring the bassist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Flea. Dozens of vampiric Flea clones are crouching on the floor, their mouths dripping with blood. The sperm term? Womb-squatting parasites. My citation is courtesy of comedian Russell Brand: "Get shot of those womb squatting parasites and celebrate your beauty."
Once my Memory Whorehouse was fully booked, it occurred to me that I had enough material for a full book! Today, I store my ever-growing collection of sperm terms on my computer. But it's never too late to add a wing to my mental bordello!
1. A used cum rag is an aromatherapy horniness-booster during a j/o session. Try sniffing your used cum rag before blowing a fresh load and see if it makes your orgasm more intense.
2. A used cum rag next to your pillow will be handy if you wake up from a sex dream and want to finish off.
3. If you jack off in bed before going to sleep, keeping your cum rag in bed with you will help you to smell man-scent all night—the pheromones will keep you horny and will encourage orgasms in your sleep (wet dreams).
4. It's more environmentally friendly to use a single cum rag several times than to throw away sperm-soaked tissues.
Some guys keep their cum rags with them not only in bed but on their person as they go through their daily life. Why? According to tribal lore, a man's cum is a physical manifestation of his spirit. So carrying a sample of your sperm with you at all times is like a good luck charm for potency. Plus, having your cum on your person will subtly add to the scent of your masculine musk. And you're free to jack off at a moment's notice, as your sexual needs dictate, with no fear of leaving a conspicuous stain.
"The two men clasped their hands and pumped their limbs feverishly."
—Garth H. Holmes, The J Amendment