Dear Bearded Confidant,

Hi I have read many of your advice columns and can't thank you enough for your help in some areas. What I struggle with is recently my partner and I of three years have gotten engaged. I was always afraid to tell him my fetishes and or show him my "toys" and props. I decided he needs to know what I'm into before we commit to each other for the rest of our lives. Upon doing so, he tells me I'm crazy and calls me a freak. I'm into bondage, duct tape, latex and pissing. All of which he would never do he says... He barely can come on top of me without feeling uncomfortable. He essentially likes to be jerk off buddies and occasional anal sex... I want way more, how do I get him to loosen up and at least compromise with what makes me happy too?

Dear Closet Kink,

What's really interesting about your situation is that when a guy has a strong negative reaction to a sexual fetish, it almost invariably means that he's uncomfortable with his own deepest desires and kinks. You've no doubt heard the psychological adage, "We hate most in others what we dislike in ourselves." So, the good news is that your boyfriend is very likely kinkier than he consciously realizes. But is he ready to explore his kinkier side? That's the big question. If you haven't totally scared him off with your closet full of wondrous toys, he probably will eventually expand his sexual horizons ... the key word being eventually. These sexual evolutions are absolutely best when they occur in their own time.

Back when Your Bearded Confidant was new to the gay scene, I had a sexual mentor -- a man over twice my age -- who wanted to introduce me to the full range of masculine adventures. He knew all the ropes, so to speak, being a veteran male stripper with long experience entertaining at private parties and orgies. I can laugh about it now, but back then I was so young and vanilla in my tastes that I was absolutely not aroused by armpits; I'll never forget my mentor's face when I confessed to him that I didn't find men's armpits sexy. I think he was wondering if I was indeed actually gay! He also tried to pique my curiosity about watersports, telling me about how pissing was part of his stripping act and how he'd let his audience drink his piss. I wasn't disgusted by his stories, but back then I simply wasn't interested in piss and couldn't possibly have predicted how piss sex would rock my entire world about ten years later. My point is that a man's kinks have to blossom at their own pace. My mentor was right about armpits and piss and oh so much more, but I simply couldn't know that at the time. I had to find it all out on my own.

My honest take on your scenario is that your boyfriend needs more sexual experience before he's ready for you as a partner. If he builds up that experience with you, that's of course terrific, but it will require you to suppress your own kinks along the way until he's mature enough to confront his own deepest desires. Be realistic as you contemplate this -- how vanilla can you be, for how long, without driving yourself crazy? (If the true answer is, "I can deny my own desires indefinitely," then wonderful! Just be aware that it could take him ten whole years to get into piss play!) Other crucial questions: Is your boyfriend mature and loving enough to please you in spite of not necessarily being turned on by the same fetishes? For example, will he play with the ropes even if he's not into bondage, for your pleasure? (Again, if the answer is, "Yes," then wonderful! I'm simply worried by the fact that he has called you a freak.) Will he have patience with your kinkier side even as you have patience with his vanilla nature? (In other words, the relationship shouldn't be one-sided, with you making all the sacrifices.)

Three years is a good amount of time to know a guy, but the fact of the matter is that you two haven't deeply known one another if you've just now unlocked your closet of sex toys. I suggest that there's been some sort of wall between you two from the very start. Perhaps you aren't compatible enough to invest another three years together. Granted, I don't know you guys personally, so my perspective is based purely on clues I'm hearing from you. No need to make any hasty decisions, though. Think about what what you're willing to sacrifice for this relationship. Think about what you can reasonably expect from your boyfriend in terms of unconditional love. If some doubts linger in your mind, at the very least don't rush to turn your engagement into a marriage.