Dear Bearded Confidant,

I'm an 18 year guy living in London, England.  I'm real worried because I think I have anal warts.  The skin around my hole is inflamed and can sometimes be painful.  I read in a medical book that it can be caused by a lack of fluids and a poor diet.  However, acting upon this hasn't really helped much.  I'm too embarrassed to go to my doctor and I have heard that sometimes they have to be surgically removed.  Do you have any advice on what I can do?

Dear Embarrassed,

When it comes to your anus, you can't afford to be embarrassed.  Anything that could interfere with taking a crap or getting buttfucked needs to be addressed right away.  Warts only get worse over time—they get bigger and spread.  I have first-hand knowledge that warts are highly treatable without surgery by Traditional Chinese medicine.  A doctor of Chinese medicine can prescribe herbal teas for you to drink and apply topically to your warts.  The tea might not taste very good, but it beats the hell out of laser surgery to literally burn the warts off your ass.  Please do get cured before your condition worsens.