Dear Bearded Confidant,

This is not the usual question you get, but I hope you'll help me because nobody can tell me why I have this "problem." I always fall for, fantasize about, fall in love with straight guys! The more straight the better—especially the ones who would beat you up if you even hinted at being gay! [No, I'm not into pain or that sort of thing.] I love displays of affection between straight men (e.g. goal celebrations of soccer players & fans, etc.)  When Shawn & Cory hugged on "Boy Meet World" I just creamed my jeans! I get turned on by watching fathers hug sons, brothers hugging each other, boy band members draping their arms un-selfconciously around each others shoulders, male-bonding in general I guess! I fancy gay men as well sometimes but it's not the same. Am I "weird" or "abnormal?" I desperately want sex with my straight friends but if we did then they wouldn't be totally straight, which is what they must be, would they? Any ideas how I can get them into bed without spoiling things?

Dear Sean,

Public displays of masculine bonding, whether between fathers and sons, two brothers, athletes, or male lovers, are sexy, beautiful, and all-too-rare. You are not alone in finding heterosexual men to be hot, but you are operating according to two very common misconceptions. First, straight guys are not necessarily more "macho" or masculine than gay guys. Effeminate gay men are the most noticeable, but they are actually in the minority. For every drag queen there are at least 50 studs whom nobody would suspect were into dick. Second, if your straight friends fucked around with you, that would not affect their sexual orientation. In other words, guys can suck, fuck, and jerk off with their buddies without being "gay." A guy can fuck a blow-up doll, but that doesn't make him a mannequin, because where a man puts his dick only describes the range of ways he can get off. So your straight buddies can fuck you without being "less straight." However, in preferring straight men you may be setting yourself up for constant rejection. Sometimes when gay guys fantastize about straight men they are subconsciously setting impossible goals. (But of course that doesn't mean that you can never snag a straight man. During his rise to fame, pop icon Boy George preferred straight guys, and he claims that he never met a man he couldn't get into bed.) Anybody might fall for a terrific guy who just so happens to be straight. (Who wouldn't be attracted to a man with a great personality, charm, sense of humor, common interests, good looks, loving nature, and even talent in bed?) But if his "straightness" is the number one attraction, then something is wrong with the equation. Think about that with an open mind, my friend.