Dear Bearded Confidant,

I have become sexually obsessed with a friend of mine. I think he is straight (he is married). We talk about heterosexual sex constantly over coffee, beer, while playing sports etc. probably like most guys.  What happens though, usually after a couple of drinks, is that the talk turns much more specific.  For example, my buddy was describing how he fucked a girl once in the backseat of his car and that it was "great" because she was so tight.  In the next sentence he then says "your cock would have probably split her in half!"  I know he often has a good look at my equipment in the locker room when we change together and I regularly have a decent view of his ample endowment.  The bottom line is that the talk always ends up having a gay tone to it and I wet my pants with pre-cum when this happens.  How do I get this buddy to be my "fuck buddy"?  I really don't want to scare him off but I would like to see how far this could go.

Dear Gooey Ginch,

Here's a virtual high-five, because you're in a fantastic position! Not only does your buddy already feel comfortable talking about sex with you, but he's aware of and has made mention of your own cock. That means he's thinking about you naked, thinking about your dick, thinking about what you'd look like in action. No wonder you start creaming your pants when your buddy talks! He's no doubt creaming his own pants, too. The next step is to move from talking into doing. Buttfucking won't happen in a day, but you can work up to it in a fun way, even while you're sitting at a restaurant table. Start with a playful challenge—who can cum first. The next time your buddy brings up sex, tell him you've got a hardon and that you're fondling yourself through your pocket. Tell him you're actually getting close to shooting your load. Challenge him to jerk off with you, under the cover of the tabletop, to see who can cum first. Concurrent masturbation (both of you jerking off solo but at the same time) is the first step to mutual masturbation (tugging on each other's cocks). And once guys experience the joys of mutual masturbation, sucking and buttfucking are rarely far behind. Be careful, however, jerking off in public. As you stroke your meat under the table, keep an eye out to ensure that you aren't drawing any attention from strangers. Be discreet, take it slowly, keep a "straight" face, and enjoy being a dirty rascal. Even if your buddy refuses to participate in your forbidden j/o game, you can bet he'll be intrigued by your roguishness and that he'll fantasize about fooling around with you. Then, maybe the next time you get together, he'll be more game.