Dear Bearded Confidant,

Can you please explain the proper use of the word "fuck"?  Does fuck mean the act of slamming your cock into an orifice, or does it mean spooging your manjizz?  Every time I go down on my lover, he likes to say "Eat my fuck," and that made me fucking wonder.

Dear What the Fuck,

Guys frequently misuse the word "fuck" to refer to the in-and-out thrusting motion of lovemaking.  However, fuck actually refers to the act of shooting cum in or on someone.  Imagine that you are jacking off by yourself and, just as you reach the point of no return, your boyfriend walks in.  You shoot your wad and it hits him square in the face.  He just got face-fucked, even though your cock did not technically touch his face.  Most men instinctively know that "fuck" means to get creamed.  The next time you're giving your lover a hand job and he starts to get close to orgasm, try whispering the words "fuck it, man" in his ear.  His body will understand what you mean and no doubt will jizz accordingly.