Dear Bearded Confidant,
Here is my problem in a nut shell, I am black, fairly attractive, very masculine, and proud to be gay. I am 35 years old and I have been sexually attracted to other men since I became aware of what sex was. Because of my straight forward ways and ability to give sound advice I find myself often in your position. Unfortunately I have no one to go to with my problems and thus I am turning to you.
I have been with many types of guys and I have been in a few relationships (none lasting for very long). I have been with Asian, Hispanic and black men but the kind of man that I seem to be most attracted to are rugged, masculine white males that are often older then myself (between 35 to 56). My problem is two-fold: the first is merely dealing with the fact that I am attracted to white males. Whenever any of my friends ask me what kind of guys I like I usually find myself holding back my first response and saying that I am attracted to all kinds of guys, which is for the most part true. But I know in my heart that I would not be truly happy in a relationship unless the man were white and older then myself. (My fantasy relationship is to be involved with 2 men: one older and white, the other in his 20s, race unimportant, the 3 of us together.)
It is very hard for me to type this out because of racial overtones from the environment that I come from, for a black male to even admit attraction to a white male especially older white men is considered not only shameless but disgusting. I want to be clear I have no need nor desire to be ANY man's slave, and I honestly don't think that my racial past has much to do with my current desires. I get a stronger feeling of bonding, wellness and protection when I am held by a white man than I do with others I have been with.
The second part of my question is what states in America do you think are more receptive to interracial homosexuals? Where are good places for a black man to find the "white" guy? I live in Las Vegas and I am tired of it, this has to be one of the most silently bigoted cities in America when it come to white and black homosexuals, it's the "Oh I have alot of black friends but I would NEVER be caught in bed with one" thing. I am tired of feeling like an alien in my own country, I have heard that there are cities where the racial divide is not so wide and I am hoping you can help. So here are my 2 questions.
1) What advise can you give to black men that wish only to love their white brothers? How should a black man best pursue a white guy without fear of scarring him off or losing a friendship?
2) What are the best cities/towns in America, for a black homosexual to live in if seeking such a relationship?
Thank you so much for your help and understanding,
As a proud gay black man, you need answer to no one regarding what sort of relationships make you happy. It is no one's business what sort of skin tones you find attractive. Yes, the USA is still largely a racist country, and there is widespread ignorance and prejudice about skin color within virtually every community. You can do your part to help reduce racism around you by working with organizations that promote human equality. Yes, certain segments of society are uncomfortable seeing anything that seems different. Two men together is different. Two men of different races is different. But the fact of the matter is that we live in a world of diversity, and the more variety people see on a daily basis, the less unusual it becomes. Follow your heart, and everyone else can fuck off. There is no one place in the USA where men of any race can love one another free of any form of prejudice. Washington D.C. is probably your best bet, but you can expect ignorant reactions wherever you go, and you must learn to take them in stride (painful as that may be at times). Ultimately, you have to be true to yourself. Living according to other people's expectations is a true form of slavery. Do what feels right to you, and the rewards will far outweigh societal pressures.