Dear Bearded Confidant,

I fantasize about my lover spitting into my mouth, and me swallowing his spit.  I hesitate to talk about it, for fear he'll find it debasing.  What should I do?

Dear Not Wet Enough,

What is a spit fetish all about? Is it an aggressive act of degradation on behalf of the spitter? Is it humiliating on behalf of the spat upon? Not necessarily. Like any sex act, it all depends upon the attitudes of those involved. A slap can be aggressive or playful, hurtful or stimulating. Likewise, a wad of spit can be contemptuous or loving, depending on the intention. There's nothing inherently demeaning about wanting to devour your lover's liquid essences.

For starters, make it be known through your actions that you enjoy long sessions of deep kissing, and use your opportunity to suck your man's mouth dry. He may not even realize that you're gulping down his saliva as you kiss. You need not even talk about spit initially. Let him know you love those "wet" kisses. Always position yourself on the bottom in terms of gravity, so that your lover's spit will flow effortlessly into your mouth as you kiss. As the kissing sessions grow longer and wetter, you can mention that your lover's spit tastes good, and eventually you can confess that you crave having his spit in your mouth.

The recording artist Momus wrote a song about the cultural meaning of coming in a girl's mouth, and here's our own version of the song, entitled "Spitting in a Man's Mouth":

What is the cultural meaning of spitting in a man's mouth? Do I wish to feed him or force him to submit? Will he throw a fit or go at it lickety split? Will he find it hotter to make my mouth water?

Is there in this thrilling ritual a sort of holy writ . . . Some viscid christening by drool? Like John the Baptist speaking in my tongue: "One day someone greater than me shall cum"? Or some unsung Moses who parts the tonsils With a far-flung oceanic globule?

Well, that must be it. Why else glaze a man's teeth, bit by bit, With a fluid the consistency of seething seafoam and spumy fizz?