Dear Bearded Confidant,

Please help.  My asscrack is hairy.  I have seen many men with smooth assholes, but how do they acheive that?  I can't have anyone shave it for me, so I am looking for a quick, painless, hygenic way to having a smoother ass. Please help.

Dear Hairy,

We've all seen the porn stars with perfectly smooth asses. The major trend in pornography is to shave men's private areas so that their goods can be seen more clearly. Plus, the smooth skin makes the men look more boyishly youthful. I personally like a man to look like a man, and that usually entails a hairy tail. In my archives I explain the difficulties in maintaining a smooth chest, and maintaining a smooth ass and genitals is even more difficult. There is no painless solution. In fact, because of the number of sensitive nerves between your legs, removing hairs there can be extremely painful. Shaving is not recommended for obvious reasons: the hair comes back, the stubble itches like a motherfucker, and the tiny nicks and cuts will sting when you sweat down there (and you'll learn the hard way just how much you do sweat down there). Acidic hair-dissolving lotions are dangerous to use on the sensitive skin around your anus and genitals, as they will cause severe irritation, possible allergic reactions, and may desensitize the nerve endings that bring sexual pleasure. The only quick solution is permanent removal (electrolysis), but it is extremely painful down there. If you are macho enough to go through the pain of electrolysis, I wish you all the best. But be forewarned: as you lie on the electrolysis table you'll quickly learn why the porn stars make so much money--half of their salary goes to the talents they were born with (huge cocks, no gag reflexes, and so on), and the other half compensates for the barbaric shit they have to endure in order to stay looking good.