Dear Bearded Confidant,

Can sexual roles be so frozen in your mind so that you just cannot flip the switch (in my case) from bottom to top? I'm struggling with endurance issues when my man wants me to top him. I've been with him for nearly two years now and only once have I blasted my load inside him. I've topped him a few times after that but never again managed a climax, rather my dick gets shy pretty soon after the initial thrusts. It's like I try to concentrate too much, but I can't seem control my thoughts or control the need to control my thoughts. I get nervous and it's downhill from then on. It has gotten me shy to even suggest that I top him, so it's always at his initiative. Also my dick is rather sizeable for his hole so that he has to take his time to warm up. After a short time he's warmed up and hungry but can't go on for much longer. I don't want to try cock rings or any chemical stimulants 'cause I don't want get mentally dependent on them. I could perhaps try a butt plug to have the feeling of something up my ass while fucking, but is it any better than cock rings and such?

The one and only time I climaxed inside him was the most powerful sexual burst of energy I've experienced and I want to experience it again. I've heard that straight dudes can practice their endurance by clenching their anus for a few seconds about 20 times daily or something. It should practice the same muscle that keeps the cock up and stops urine flow. Could this be useful?

Thanks for your advice!

Dear Duncan,

Great question!  While it's true that some men are hardwired as bottoms and shouldn't even bother trying to top, the fact that you've experienced one mind-blowing orgasm while topping tells your bearded confidant that you're far from a hopeless case.  You're right that performance anxiety leads to over-concentration, which leads to nervousness and ultimately to erectile dysfunction.  The solution is to increase the amount of foreplay and reduce the duration of actual penetration.  Since your man understandably needs some anal warm up, leisurely work his hole with your fingers or a dildo until he's more than ready to take your cock.  While you're getting him ready, use your other hand to keep your cock aroused.  Stroke yourself hard and fast enough to approach orgasm without going past the point of no return.  The more your cock aches to ejaculate, the less likely you'll lose your erection.  (By the way, encourage your man to play with his own cock while you loosen his hole and tickle his prostate.)  When you've felt your orgasm approaching at least twice, it'll be time to mount your man and deliver your load properly.  If your cock truly needs that sweet release, you should be able to complete your business before your brain has time to give you performance anxiety.  Keep in mind that the average top man's animalistic thrusts last on average a mere three minutes; that means that just as many tops thrust for fewer than three minutes as thrust for longer.  While leisurely fucking is a lovely concept, the fact of the matter is that nature has designed men to eye the target, make the strike, and exit accordingly.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with a quickie, and a speedy session today may very well lead to a longer session the next time and so on until you truly get the knack of topping.  Have fun, Duncan!