Dear Bearded Confidant,

I was just wondering, what is the best lube that isn't supposed to be a lube (i.e. Vaseline, vegetable oil, etc.) 

Dear Grease Monkey,

Coconut oil is the best oil for soothing and protecting the sensitive skin of the cock and anus during and after the heavy friction of sex.  Sesame and mustard oils increase bloodflow and have a warming effect on the skin, which can be good for heating up your desire.  However, as a lover of Italian food, I prefer olive oil because it doesn't absorb into the skin too quickly and therefore stays slick longer.  I strongly recommend against Vaseline, as petroleum isn't good for the skin (it clogs the pores and is actually toxic to the body) and is hard to clean up.