Dear Bearded Confidant,

I have a "small" problem I need help with. I have small balls that ride close to my body. I want them to hang down lower like they do after I take a hot shower. I have tried a pump to enlarge them with somewhat of a success but after a day or so they return to their small stature. I have heard that there might be a surgical technique that might make the appearance of my balls to be larger like the surgery to enlarge the penis. I am happy with my 6 1/2 inch cock size but want my balls to be in proportion with my dick. Any advice to how and with what technique this might be possible?

Dear Small Balls,

Low-hanging balls can indeed be a very sexy part of a man's total masculine package. The thing about testicles, however, is that they have no one set size. At any given moment, your balls may be hanging low, or drawn up, or somewhere in between. That's because your balls are like thermometers, constantly regulating their temperature. They hang low when they're too warm (such as right out of the shower) and they tighten up when they're too cold. They also tighten up when your body is in an extreme state of sexual excitement, and when you're getting close to shooting your load. Therefore, if another man sees that you have tight balls, he gets the subliminal message that you're ready to fuck. There are ways to stretch the skin of your ballsac, but that's not recommended for two reasons. First, you don't want to do anything that could possibly damage your testicles since they are responsible for generating the testosterone that makes you the stud you are. Second, your balls are still going to draw up when they need to regulate temperature. If you like the look and feel of low-hangers, you should always masturbate or fool around with another guy after you take a hot shower. You should also try massaging your balls with sesame or mustard seed oil, both of which have warming qualities. These oils work well as a lube, and they will heat you up by increasing the blood flow to your genitals.