Dear Bearded Confidant,

I enjoy putting things in my ass. I'm always looking for something that I can use that feels good but is safe at the same time. Bananas are my favorite. Is there any harm with putting food products directly into the anus? Sometimes I'll put 3 banannas in my ass because I like the full feeling I get this way. Green ones are the best. I would like to get some other ideas if you have them. Grapes feel good too.

Dear Bob,

From frozen candy bars to microwaved cucumbers, a lot of guys like to fuck their asses with food. I have two very important bits of advice regarding food fucking. First, as with anything you shove inside yourself, make sure it is clean. Most fruits and vegetables are covered in pesticides and other chemicals, so they need to be washed thoroughly before fucking. Your local health food store has special organic sprays formulated especially to remove dirt and man-made chemicals from fresh produce. Second, make sure that when you are selecting your fruits and vegetables at the market that you do not fondle the produce inappropriately--it could get you in trouble and delay you getting home to peel everything off. I know a hot young man who fucks his buddy with a banana to make sure he's ready for cock. He peels the skin of the banana down as the fruity shaft goes deeper, then eats what's left sticking out. When it comes time for cock-fucking, half of the banana gets lodged inside his buddy's ass, but that doesn't stop these horny studs. I also know a man who once had an entire salad shoved up his ass--a whole cucumber, several eggs, and a tomato. His kinky lover "tossed" the salad by fucking him afterwards, and I'll leave it up to your imagination whether the ass-salad got eaten or not.