Dear Bearded Confidant,

I've seen you answer all sorts of questions, but not this particular angle of this particular one, so here goes.  I really enjoy homosexual themed fantasy wherein I am the one getting fucked - orally and anally.  I have experimented, and I can take (and enjoy!!) 14 inches or more of artificial manhood up my ass (ie, dildo), and I really get off doing so.  I enjoy the female attire while doing this.  When fantasizing, I fantasize that I am a WOMAN pleasuring a man, not a man pleasuring a man.  But, whenever I entertain the idea of acting on any of these fantasies, any man that I actually know, see, or meet immediately turns me OFF (sexually). I can't make the emotional connection in real life, and I'm not sure I even want to.  It seems that I am, like (it's hard to describe), gay in fantasy but straight in reality.  But gay in fantasy is, technically, gay nonetheless, isn't it?  What exactly am I when I fantasize mostly about being a WOMAN getting it on with a man, but in reality always being a MAN getting it on with a woman?  Am I confused, "closet" gay, actually gay, Bi, Trans-sexual, Trans-vestite, or straight-but-curious???  The options are overwhelming, and confusing. ;-) 

Dear Bob,

Your experience is a beautiful example of just how richly complex sexuality is. Don't feel confused at all about your sexual orientation. If you aren't attracted to most of the men you come across in your daily life, then you are technically not homosexual, and that's okay. What you are is a man who is profoundly in touch with his full sexual being. All people are combinations of masculine and feminine, but not all people are in touch with both of their sides. You are deeply aware of your receptive nature--what most people would call "feminine." In your fantasy life, you should enjoy imagining pleasuring a man. And in your daily life, you should enjoy being with whoever turns you on (which sounds like women, in your case). As they jerk off, most guys fantasize about all sorts of things that they would never do with or to another person, and they imagine being all sorts of people that they could never be. That is the beauty of the imagination. Allow your fantasies to enrich your sex life. Don't let confusion over self-definitions hinder your enjoyment in any way.