Dear Bearded Confidant,

I want to have all kinds of experiences, but no one has fucked me yet.  What can I do to find a guy and fuck with him without anyone knowing it?  What kinds of guys should I invite, and how do I make everything clean, without a trace that I had sex with another man?

Dear Unfucked,

The issue you bring up is common to many college guys who live in a dorm, fraternity, or roommate situation and want to fuck around with other men and not get caught. It can be hard to hide the evidence of man-to-man encounters. Athletic guys like the physical contact and tend to wrestle around, knocking things over. When men are in a fuck-frenzy, there's plenty of loud grunting and moaning, as well. Then there's the issue of jizz, which might spurt anywhere and everywhere (don't forget that two men equal double the cum). In addition, man sweat and semen leave a distinct aroma in the air — the musky smell of sex. If you live with other people who might notice any of this evidence, it's best to fuck around with a guy at his place or in a car.

But your first concern is finding fuck-buddies. Luckily, this isn't a problem, since very few guys ever manage to find enough outlets for releasing their sexual energy. What that means is that, under the right circumstances, any man around you might have sex with you.

There are three very successful techniques for turning friends, roommates, or fraternity brothers into fuck-buddies. One technique is popping in a porn tape (bisexual tapes are recommended, because there will be something of interest for everyone). When porn is on television, guys tend to get hard-ons. Hard-ons encourage guys to touch themselves, which leads to stroking off, which leads to mutual masturbation, which leads to sucking and fucking. Watching porn with the men around you is a natural way to get everybody's pants unzipped, and things will unfold from there.

The second technique to use on the men around you is having them sleep over. Arrange late-night social events to ensure that everyone is good and tired by the end of the evening. Falling asleep (or at least pretending to fall asleep) opens the door to fucking around, since the guy has the excuse of "not being aware of what's happening." When a man is asleep (or pretending to sleep) you can gently brush up against him. If he notices it or doesn't like it, he'll roll over. Otherwise, he'll be silently encouraging you to explore his body. He'll get turned on, but he can pretend that it's all happening in a dream. I know many guys who have managed to suck their "sleeping" buddies to the point of cumming in their mouths, and the next day their buddies talked about having a wet dream.

The third technique is more up-front. You come right out and ask a guy around you if he has ever jerked off with a buddy. Some guys have found it best to make the whole thing a macho contest of whose dick is bigger and who can shoot his wad farther. Once pants are down and dicks are hard, you can offer to give him a hand. It's best to phrase things in an impersonal manner: "Looks like that big dick could use another hand." If you phrase it that way, the guy doesn't have to directly admit that he wants you to stroke him off.