Dear Bearded Confidant,

Since I broke up with my lover some 3 years ago ( we had long and active sex sessions), I now find it hard to sustain an erection during foreplay and sex. I have had no partners from this time till meeting another man 12 months ago. We have only just began having "real" sex.  My penis goes up and down like a yo-yo and after my man has come I lose my erection altogether. It is almost as if his coming satisfies my needs and I usually jerk off when he has gone home as I am so horny. Sometimes I am so horny I jerk off 3 times a day ... sounds crazy as my lover is a real spunky guy and comes at leat two times, one after the other. We really get hot.  I really want to come when he comes as a climax to our togetherness during sexual highs. I have not been fucked before but sat on his dick and enjoyed it. I fantasize of it at times as well, but my penis goes down all the time. Even when he sits on my face and I rim the hell out of him and his balls ( which excites him to no end) I maintain an erection, but go down again during the heightened part of sex .... what is it? My next course is either Viagra or a psychiatrist?? Any suggestions?

Dear Downer,

Your problem does not sound like a physical one, since you are able to attain full erections at certain times. I think your problem is one of performance anxiety. The fact of the matter is that a man's cock varies in levels of hardness all the time. There is no one single "erect" state. Your cock usually becomes especially swollen in the moments just before orgasm, and few men are able to experience such hardness at any other time. The fact that you get soft after your man shoots off is very common. In a way, your mind and body feel as if they have cum as well, since you are so in synch with your partner. In essence, you have both experienced the same climax. I wouldn't worry about your erections. If anything, you need to arrange for longer periods of lovemaking with your man. Your body and mind may simply require longer periods between erections and peaks of horniness. I suggest that you be upfront with you man. Reassure him that your cock has a mind of its own, and that you are horny for your man even when you go soft. Use periods of softness to pleasure your man. Suck, rim, and basically go to town on your man's body. If and when you get hard during all that, get your cock into your man's hands or mouth or ass. If you start to go soft, pull out and use your hands and mouth again. Basically, don't think of your cock as your only sex organ. If you are into oral sex, you know that sometimes your jaw gets tired and you have to switch to a different approach for a while to let your muscles relax. Allow your cock the same break now and then.