Dear Bearded Confidant,

I have finally come to terms with myself that I am gay (only deeply closeted). I am still attracted to women, but only on a more spiritual level.  However, I am VERY attracted to men physically. Although I've had many women in the past being interested in me, I would try to never let a relationship evolve into romance and intimacy for the reason that I wasn't attracted to women sexually. I always abruptly 'dump' a girl simply because I don't want to have sex with her. When I am with a girl, I have to imagine having sex with a man just to get aroused.

My problem is that my background, family, and culture prevent me from living any sort of gay life. It's very difficult to describe how smothering and restrictive it all is. Being gay in my culture is considered to be the worst anyone could become, yet I am aching to have sex with a man. I've tried so hard to deny it all these years, even pretending to 'like' women... I believe that I would have to move to another part of the earth where no one knows me just so I can explore who I am.

I really, really don't know what to do with myself. I am still afraid of being gay, even though I now acknowledge that I am gay. I don't know what to do. I feel a lot of guilt for lying to everyone for so long. My only escape is secretive visits to gay porn sites and lots of wanking off.  I 'discovered' your terrific website when doing 'research' on the net, and you seem to be very insightful and objective. Hopefully you can help a hopeless homo, being that I have no one else to confide with.

Anxious in a (very secret) closet,

Dear Anxious,

First of all, do not feel guilty about what you call "lying" to people about your true sexuality. Defining your sexual identity is an ongoing process. And ultimately, what you do or wish to do with you cock is deeply personal and is nobody's business but your own. When a man first comes to terms with attraction to other men, the physical and emotional yearning can be almost unbearable. Rest assured that the wait will be worth it, and remember that your current situation will not go on forever. Only time will tell whether or not you have to move to another part of the earth to explore and fulfill your manly needs. But in the meantime, consider taking a vacation to a far-away, more liberal place. It will allow you to do some soul-searching away from your smothering daily environment, and it will afford some chances to experience masculine companionship. Check out my archives for advice on taking advantage of those opportunities as they come up.